Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
HR said no more nunchucks.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”