Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
my favorite genre of twitter
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf