Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
You Might Also Like
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”