Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
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Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no