Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Good morning!

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Me: I want you to make me a better person

Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.