[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
i love modern commerce
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me