[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’m awake but I object,
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”