[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
The options really are this bad
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
