Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

🥲

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.