Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
You Might Also Like
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.