Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.