Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I think the cat got the dog high.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
quarantine day 3
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Just so funny
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees