Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.