Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
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Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
