Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
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I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
motivation
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?