Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
when unicorns get really drunk
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should