Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
You Might Also Like
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.