Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Husband: *driving*

Me: *breathing judgmentally*

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…