[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
