[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
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Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
my proudest tweet
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
prepare for carbonated trouble
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *