[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I love twitter
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
