Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.