Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”