Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE