Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”