Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

I try

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse

Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.