Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.