Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.