Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
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I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
This meal prepping shit is easy
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Why is no one talking about this?!
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE