Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

normalize having existential bread

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer