Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

This bar smells like my childhood.

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

Boom! Zing! This is free content!

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?