Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
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Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys