Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

It could be worse.

You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.

SON: Is it good news or bad news?

SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.