[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Mornin
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
There’s never enough good news
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9