[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.


Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?


Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.


I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.


The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station


Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.


[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’


Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF


Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.