@nbadag

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

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@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

@BGH70

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

@Mr_Kapowski

The best part of Pitbull is he yells out “MR WORLDWIDE!,” at the beginning of each of his songs, giving you ample time to change the station

@Smethanie

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

@Dr_awfulpants

[at ATM] Would I like to check my balance? Okay sure. *presses button* *robot leg shoots out and sweeps mine* ‘Your balance is: awful’

@DannyZuker

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

@Parkerlawyer

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.