[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this