Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”

I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.