Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

bout dat hot dog summer

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.

How to walk around a museum

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…

Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Mapping America’s Far Right

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle