Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin: