CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
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(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Social distancing in Australia:
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…