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“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.