Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
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Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god