Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?