Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

This is the best one I’ve seen

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.