Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.

*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts