Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
