Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!