Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
You Might Also Like
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
This checks out
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.