Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I support this random dude and all his protests
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
i made a craigslist ad !
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.