Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*

Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.