Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

My life coach traded me.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

Reminder:

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*