Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.