Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
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Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.