Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”

Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]