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For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Money is the root of all wealth
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*