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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Hmm, not sure about this change
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
The human personality is made of five key elements
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.