Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
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recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
💀💀
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend