I’ll be mad as hell!
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Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Body by sandwich.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat