Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

Bed should get ready for ME

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?

me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters

therapist: get out

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank