Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”

Me: “He’s my service dog.”

My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Roman: Any last words?

Jesus: I’ll be back.

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.