Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Not today.. 😂
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.