[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
You Might Also Like
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The honesty is refreshing
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”