Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

Cats (2019)

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.