[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
#MeanwhileInCanada
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.