Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

[late to work]

boss: well ??

me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out